How Voldemort was Really Defeated

My dad and I, and a group of people I've never seen before who were apparently my friends, were running around a mall. Voldemort appeared and I was freaking out because he had a wand, but none of us Muggles had wands and he was firing Avada Kedavra willy nilly all over the place.
How were we supposed to defeat him when we had absolutely no weapons? Dad suggested that we play tag, but I knew that wasn't going to help.

I herded Voldemort up onto the mezzanine floor, where I would proceed to push Voldemore down the escalator. I did this several times, hoping, praying, that he would break his neck. But he never died.

Finally, Edward Cullen appeared. "Don't worry, guys!" he cried, "I'll take one for the team!" and then he proceeded to take off his trousers and seduce Voldemort.

Wonderfully, it worked, and me, Dad, and my friends managed to escape!